If you're not part of the solution

[zdashamber]

Yesterday the Fail Truck pulled up with a delivery, and I signed for it. Oy. You guys may be aware of RaceFail '09 (summary here, ongoing links to everything here), which began a week or two ago. Yesterday Teresa Nielsen Hayden (tnh), proprietor of a popular general blog where I've been hanging out since 2003 (she's also a SF editor and a Big Name Fan), posted a pretty screwed-up post out of pain and anger arising from the hurt of her husband Patrick on being called on racism. I left her a comment along the lines of "I know how it feels when you feel like people are stabbing you in the back--that really sucks". Sure, there were bits in the comment about how I got past it by taking responsibility and about how her friend annafdd (who pointed out that Patrick was wrong) was right, but I said myself that wasn't the main point. (Earlier this evening the entire 500-some comment thread went under a friendslock, so I'm spared the embarassment of linking the comment directly.)

Because, in a dose of massive irony, during the RaceFail before this one, I'd gotten into a long discussion on Making Light about how it was BS that people were just accepting William Sanders's racism as par for the course. So here I am this giant fucking hypocrite, arguing that we should call out racists and cut dead the unapologetic ones, and then six months later being sympathetic to someone doing just as much damage. WTF? Thankfully vito_excalibur poked me in email and got me to thinking.

Chris Rock could call me a low-expectation-having-motherfucker. I expect that any white person, when presented with "that thing you said/did was racist", will go totally fucking insane. I expect that any husband/wife pair will go insane when one of them is hurt, no matter whether the hurt was deserved or necessary. I expect science fiction fandom to be completely fucked up with regards to race among many other things.

But if those expectations mean that I don't bother to mark it when another group of fen rains shit down on POC, and mostly ignore it while commenting, I'm accepting that that kind of thing is par for the course. Not speaking up against the ingrained system reinforces it. I'm being part of the problem... In that moment, racist.

So, sorry guys.

Comments

[sodzilla.livejournal.com]

I don't want to say that what you did was okay, because we both know it wasn't, and it'd be insulting to you after you made this post. But I feel the need to point out that all of us fail, sometimes, and being able to acknowledge and apologize for it at least puts you ahead of 75% of the people involved in this sorry mess.

As Bear would say, you fail better. *grins*

[kashma.livejournal.com]

I expect that I'll be hearing about this from some mutual friends/acquaintances. Not sure if I've told you this, but I grew up in Minneapolis, and so I know some of the folks on MakingLight, although I don't keep up on it myself.

Not that you asked, but I think that this sort of introspection and willingness to take responsibility does you a great deal of credit.

The other thing that I think comes through here is that humans tend to have this idea that they can talk about anything without getting upset, and then get upset anyway. I'm not discussing if that's legit or not, just that it happens, and it seems to take us by surprise when it does. On hot button topics, important ones, it takes a great deal of skill to simultaneously keep an eye on where you yourself are coming from, and also call out others on their own stuff. It takes a huge amount of patience and compassion on all sides to really listen and speak, and it's often easier not to. Not necessarily good, but easier.

So, you get credit from me if you tried. And if you didn't (since I'm not really embedded in this thing, I don't really know what's going on) I think that's understandable too. Essentially it comes down to realizing that "we're all in this together" and cutting everyone enough slack so that change can happen. At least I think so.

I don't know why I'm writing so much on something that I barely understand, really. It just struck a chord.

[towhomdoihum.livejournal.com]

OK, so I don't know any of these people, nor do I know the original comment, or the thread, or your comment.

BUT...

Showing some empathy for someone's reaction while still pointing out you disagreed with them is not wrong. We do live in a world where lots of people you may care about could potentially have some seriously bad opinions-- and some of them, like racist opinions, can be harmful. If a person, when expressing a racist sentiment, only gets a shitstorm thrown at them, they may in fact be *more resistant* to truly examining their actions. And hearing their pain/feelings on being totally overwhelmed with what I guess was probably some seriously vehement disapproval is *not a wrong thing*. It is, in fact, something I seriously admire.

All of us may need a friend to a) have sympathy for our pain and simultaneously to b) disagree with us, sometimes. I certainly am more likely to listen to those that aren't immediately putting up a wall of vituperative anger than I am to those that are like "dude, you're wrong, your partner is wrong, but I'm still here for you and waiting for you to see how your thinking and words are harmful."

So, from my again probably under-informed point of view, your original comment deserves some kudos.

[zdashamber.livejournal.com]

Eh, the problem was that it wasn't clear enough that I was pointing out that I disagreed. Pure sympathy is ok between friends, but oughtta be in email if we're talking "huge internet blowup where person you are sympathizing with is still kicking innocents"... Putting it in the blown-up thread is a political act.

BTW, your icon is so you. Hadn't noticed before how it's just your style. :)

[vito-excalibur.livejournal.com]

I appreciate your comment on her new post!