marinade to make meat easier

Apr. 23rd, 2017 07:18 pm
colorwheel: vermeer's painting "milkmaid" (milkmaid)
[personal profile] colorwheel posting in [community profile] cookability
a lot of marinade recipes will warn you not to marinate meat more than hour or so, and definitely not overnight, if the marinade has ginger in it, or acidic ingredients. the reason is that the meat will get broken down and become mushy.

if you want/need to eat meat and have jaw pain, trouble swallowing, or whatever other mouth/throat/tooth stuff, i recommend going against their advice! i marinated stir-fry beef overnight in a marinade of tamari, honey, and grated* ginger and indeed it broke the meat down to an "improper" mushy texture. it was very easy to chew and swallow.

*i tried this same marinade with the ginger in large chunks and it didn't work. it only worked when i grated the ginger.

(i did the ratio of my three marinade ingredients by taste, so i can't report, but remember, you can improvise a marinade and keep tasting and adjusting it as long as you don't add the meat till it's finished.)

Buenos Aires Book Fair Schedule

Apr. 23rd, 2017 04:51 pm
jimhines: (Snoopy Writing)
[personal profile] jimhines

I’m mostly recovered from Minicon…which is good, because on Tuesday, I leave for the Buenos Aires Book Fair!

Wednesday will be a day of recovery and looking around. Thursday afternoon I’ll be doing some press interviews at El Ateneo, one of the most gorgeous bookstores in the world.

Assuming they can pry me out of there, I’ll be doing an interview Saturday afternoon at the Book Fair, followed by a book signing. Later that evening I’ll be participating in the Bloggers Meeting as well.

Sunday, there’s a meet and greet at the bookstore, and then it’s back to the hotel to pack and prepare for the flight home on Monday.

It should be an exciting week. I’m looking forward to meeting my Latin American publisher, and I love that my official schedule has notes like “Embassy driver will pick you up from the airport.” And of course, it will be awesome to meet readers and fans from Argentina!

Blogging and email and such will probably be pretty light, but I should have plenty of pictures to share when I get back. Don’t break the internet while I’m gone, okay?

Mirrored from Jim C. Hines.

LJ EXODUS

Apr. 23rd, 2017 01:12 pm
ironed_orchid: (YAY)
[personal profile] ironed_orchid posting in [community profile] capslock_dreamwidth
THERE ARE A BUNCH OF NEW PEOPLE ON DW AND I BET SOME OF THEM UNDERSTAND THE POWER OF CAPSLOCK!!!
roadrunnertwice: Rebecca on treadmill. (Text: "She's a ROCKET SCIENTIST from the SOUTH POLE with FIFTY EXES?") (BitterGirl.Rebecca - Rocket scientist)
[personal profile] roadrunnertwice
My friend Nagisa posted this meme on Facebook and I just about died. You start typing each sentence of a dating profile on your phone's keyboard, then use its predictions to fill in the rest.




My name is Nick and I just remembered that I was a little kid.

My age is not too small.

I live in Portland but I still love you.

I was born and I forgot about it.

My body is just so hungry.

I am looking for something that is not the only thing.

I enjoy playing with the best.

My ideal partner is the one that has been able to work on the other side.

My turn ons are on point but I'm not even gonna.
aroceu: (△ pkmn | hoenn | may)
[personal profile] aroceu posting in [community profile] dreamwidthlayouts
Title: but i still think about you, think about you
Credit to: [personal profile] aroceu @ [community profile] byaro (either/or is fine)
Base style: Plain (Tabula Rasa)
Type: CSS
Best resolution: 1200x800 is my default but it should look fine on any modern desktop (hopefully)
Tested in: Google Chrome, Safari, Firefox
Features: Two column, fixed width, supports all modules


live preview/usage @ [personal profile] gimmelove

(click through this fake cut for the instructions and code!)

Cool Stuff Friday

Apr. 21st, 2017 03:54 pm
jimhines: (Snoopy Writing)
[personal profile] jimhines

Friday is prepping for the Buenos Aires Book Festival next week!

Mirrored from Jim C. Hines.

Images auto-resize (RESOLVED)

Apr. 21st, 2017 09:21 pm
prue84: (Default)
[personal profile] prue84 posting in [community profile] style_system
Hi all. :)

I've just made the final step to import LJ to my dead DW account. I don't wish to bother with installing a custom style and picked "Argyle" theme from the ones available.

I just occurred into an issue that makes me go mad.

For years, LJ didn't resize the images in your entries, so if you have a pic bigger than the container (or even your screen), you just got the horizontal scrollbar.
Recently, though, LJ started to auto-resize them and in my LJ style they get resized to 500px. Aspect ration is respected. I was then forced to modify all my posts to add a link for the fullsize (xx_original.jpg) pic.

I should also note that in the html for the entry I always specify the width and height of every image.


On DW, though (or, at least, in the style I'm using) there is no resize. I tried to manually the code seen here and then add some variations of

.entry-content img {
max-width: 99%;
height: auto;
}


in the custom css, changing from "99%" to "100%" or "500px". Anyway, the point is that aspect ration is never respected, the image keeps the original height and therefore the images gets stretched.
Same post: on LJ and on DW. (put the max-width to 500px so you can visibly see the difference).

A research on google didn't help, the code above should be apparently enough. Is there any way to force the aspect ration to be mantained on my theme? I don't really want to edit every single post to change the width and height values (and doing calculations for every single image so to respect ration - see, open every image in image editor, scale to 500 and note down the new height value) and, at this point, I'm too much used to the image resized that I don't want to see the original size in the entry anymore.

I use Argyle for Crisped. My account is free.


Thank you. :)

Spinach Daal with Spiced Eggplant

Apr. 21st, 2017 08:01 pm
highlyeccentric: Demon's Covenant - Kitchen!fail - I saw you put rice in the toaster (Demon's Covenant - kitchen!fail)
[personal profile] highlyeccentric posting in [community profile] omnomnom
This is really a mash-up of two recipes, with the ultimate aim of providing Sufficient Nutrients in a single meal. The first is Jack Monroe's Spinach & lentil daal, from their second book; the second recipe is the Epicurious Indian spiced eggplant recipe. Both have been customised by me, for me. (This means they are white girl versions of indian food. Caveat lector)

Access and dietary notes )

What you need and what you do with it )

Hill/Pao Interview Notes

Apr. 21st, 2017 10:43 am
emceeaich: (steampunk suffrage)
[personal profile] emceeaich

Last night, April 20th, Nichele Norris interviewed Anita Hill and Ellen K. Pao. [personal profile] cynthia1960 and I went. It was cathartic.

cw, descriptions of harassment )

merlinofchaos: (Default)
[personal profile] merlinofchaos
While I was away on vacation, I realized it was kind of buggy for responsive. But the base theme I was using IS responsive, so mostly it was a matter of a few more tweaks.

If anybody wants it, let me know.
roadrunnertwice: Scott fends off Matthew Patel's attack. (ScottPilgrim.Scott - Reversal!)
[personal profile] roadrunnertwice

And the eighth and final rule: if this is your first time at Book Club, you HAVE to book.

Kate Elliott — Cold Fire

Feb 17

I kind of have a love/hate relationship with this series. There's SO MUCH cool and good stuff in here, but it has these bizarre pacing and structure issues, where it'll just go off into some weird tangent for what feels like forever and I'll get super bored. And it's not like these tangents are a waste of time, even! It's just that their relation to the plot as I understand it at the time is super fuzzy (they often involve weird coincidences that seem arbitrary but are fully explained 2/3 of a book later), and they halt all the action I was just starting to get invested in. It doesn't make the books unreadable, but it does make them feel incredibly slow. So while I'll probably read the final part of the trilogy, I'll also probably wait a while.

Like I said, there's good stuff: The heroine is real tough and cool, and so is her cousin/best friend. The love interest is convincingly hot, in a het romance novel sort of way. The geopolitical tensions and magical/metaphysical/cosmological systems are kind of the centerpiece, and they're all clever and intriguing. It's just that it kind of becomes a slog at points.

I keep hoping I'll find the Kate Elliot novel that nails all the stuff I love while shoring up the areas that wear me out.

Michelle Tea — Black Wave

March 4

This was odd as heck. I'm sort of glad I read it, but I'm not totally sure I liked it.

The first half of it is (questions of fictionalization aside) solidly in the addiction memoir genre, which is major league Not My Jam. And this particular one seemed especially cruel in its representation of the past self/protagonist. I sort of get why writers do this to their former selves, but it's really unpleasant to read and I don't find it particularly edifying either.

Then, at the break, it gets weird. There's an interlude of future-Michelle (Tea?) writing this book, and a dialogue with a character whose real role in the story had been deliberately mangled and time-shifted. And then the second half takes this left turn into a kind of cartoonishly unexplained apocalypse story. (There's some scattershot foreshadowing of this in the first half via offhanded comments like "well the world's dying anyway," but until the break it just reads as period-appropriate Gen-X histrionics.) And straight-ahead apocalypse story is also not really my jam! (Also, Sofia Samatar's "The Closest Thing to Animals" covered a lot of similar emotional space in a more concise and [to me] more affecting way.)

Here's something this story did that I really liked: in the apocalypse half, people all over the world start having dreams about alternate lives they might have lived, and Tea uses those to let snippets of real (?) memoir leak into the story. I'm not totally sure what she was building here; maybe a metaphor where parallel dimensions represent how distant a post-recovery conception of the self seems when you're in the middle of bad alcoholism shit? Maybe she was just exploring the divide between what part of life makes it onto the page and what gets cut. But I always dig a good alternate-lives story device, plus I thought it was a really intriguing attempt to glitch past the limitations of memoir and the parallel limitations of fiction (and I do love a good glitch run).

It had its moments. I really liked that last dinner party with her brother and his boyfriend. But all told, this was kind of grueling to get through and it wasn't very fulfilling.

Stella Benson — Living Alone

March 10

Free ebook at Project Gutenberg.

What WAS this?

Now witches and wizards, as you perhaps know, are people who are born for the first time. I suppose we have all passed through this fair experience, we must all have had our chance of making magic. But to most of us it came in the boring beginning of time, and we wasted our best spells on plesiosauri, and protoplasms, and angels with flaming swords, all of whom knew magic too, and were not impressed.

???

The name of this house is Living Alone.

It is meant to provide for the needs of those who dislike hotels, clubs, settlements, hostels, boarding-houses, and lodgings only less than their own homes; who detest landladies, waiters, husbands and wives, charwomen, and all forms of lookers after. This house is a monastery and a convent for monks and nuns dedicated to unknown gods. Men and women who are tired of being laboriously kind to their bodies, who like to be a little uncomfortable and quite uncared for, who love to live from week to week without speaking, except to confide their destinations to 'bus-conductors, who are weary of woolly decorations, aspidistras, and the eternal two generations of roses which riot among blue ribbons on hireling wall-papers, who are ignorant of the science of tipping and thanking, who do not know how to cook yet hate to be cooked for, will here find the thing they have desired, and something else as well.

???????????????

First Edition 1919

!!!

Anyway, I liked this a lot. It's weird as hell, and even weirder when you try to figure out where it fits in the timeline of modern fantasy styles. It reminds me a little bit of Travel Light in that way, where you get this sense that it somehow dropped 50 years early. Actually, the ending reminds me a lot of Travel Light, too.

It's been sitting in my pile of random ebooks long enough that I can't remember who even recommended it; could have been any of three or four people.

(Obligatory note: This is From The Past, and its heart is in the right place but a sympathetic character does say something real iffy about Jews at one point. There's also one casual use of a top-tier racial slur, but the narrator immediately pauses to be like "ugh, I wish people wouldn't.")

Newfoundland Style Dressing/Stuffing

Apr. 20th, 2017 12:07 am
sleepyfairy: (sad goth)
[personal profile] sleepyfairy posting in [community profile] cookability
 I like this style of dressing because it tastes and presents quite fancy but it has less ingredients and work than making regular stuffing from scratch, and it's distinctly different from mainland stuffing I can get out of boxes.

The savoury referred to in this recipe refers to summer savoury, a somewhat lesser-known spice. It can be replaced with an equal mix of sage and thyme, though it will taste a little different.

Read more... )

The importer has (mostly) caught up!

Apr. 19th, 2017 11:02 pm
denise: Image: Me, facing away from camera, on top of the Castel Sant'Angelo in Rome (Default)
[staff profile] denise posting in [site community profile] dw_maintenance
Our content importer has mostly caught up with its backlog; almost everything that's still listed as being "in the queue" are jobs that were tried, failed once or more with a temporary failure, and are waiting to try again. (The importer tries a few times, at successively longer intervals, when it gets a failure it thinks might be temporary/might correct itself later on.) This means that new imports scheduled now should complete in hours (or even minutes), not the "several days" it's been taking.

If you tried to schedule a second import while the first one was still running, at any time in the past 10 days or so, you may have confused the poor thing. If you think your import should be finished by now and it isn't, and you're seeing "Aborted" on the Importer Status part of the Importer page, feel free to open a support request in the Importer category and we'll look into it for you. (It may take a little bit before you get a response; those of us who have the access to look into importer problems have been really busy for the past two weeks or so, and I at least need a few days to catch my breath a bit before diving back into the fray! But we'll do what we can.)

I hope all y'all are continuing to settle in well to your new home!

profile: table problem

Apr. 20th, 2017 02:09 am
fueschgast: (headdesk/facepalm)
[personal profile] fueschgast posting in [community profile] style_system
I'm terribly sorry, this is probably the wrong place to ask for help, but I'm doing it here anyway because I couldn't find the right place.

The table I have in my bio doesn't display the way it should and I just can't figure out what the problem is. Is this even fixable?
ETA: To be more specific, the cell widths & heights aren't right, although they're in the table code and cellpadding is set to 0.
[syndicated profile] captainawkward_feed

Posted by JenniferP

Hi, Cappy! I recently discovered your column and am so grateful for it. You’re amazing and helpful!

I really could use some situational advice, but it’s a long and complex story, sorry!

I’m a single parent of a 1st grader. Child support basically doesn’t happen.

3 years ago I was (thankfully) laid off from my research position. I’d worked hard after grad school to achieve success in an almost exclusively male-dominated and competitive field, but it was hard to raise my daughter working the crazy hours and with the amount of travel required for my job.

As a result I returned to school for graphic/web design; a field I thought would provide me with a more flexible schedule, increased job opportunities and potentially more money. I started a two year program at a technical school, with tuition and childcare 100% paid for by government benefits.

Enter “Donny”. Donny was a friend who was a neuroscientist at the University I’d attended and worked at. Despite having very different values, he had become a trusted friend. Romantic interest in Donny = 0. Divorced and childless, he is middle aged. He seemed kind and supportive when I really needed that. He was also the only positive male role model that my daughter had. He was not very involved in our lives at this point.

Donny started a tech company outside of his university position and became wealthy enough to retire from the University this year. He has a low emotional IQ, lots of anxiety and few friends. However, Donny loves my daughter and dotes on her. I don’t think he has ever said “no” to her. I’ve never had weird “vibes” about his relationship with my daughter. She was like the daughter he’d always wanted.

Back to me. Two years ago, after finishing year 1 of my program, Donny convinces me to drop out of school and work with him at his tech company instead. He says I am wasting my time at school and that he, the wealthy and successful entrepreneur, would teach me “real-world skills” and his special coding “secret techniques” from start to finish. He told me people would pay lots of money to learn his secret and that I was lucky he was willing to share this very profitable knowledge with me. He started paying me to do small projects, such as writing copy and some print work for his company. I was thrilled, thinking I was embarking on a new, lucrative and fulfilling career.

Fast forward to a year ago. Donny has stopped sending me any work but continues to pay me a barely livable wage each month to essentially do nothing. Projects are always just over the horizon but wind up “falling through” at the last minute or he doesn’t have the time to teach me anything because it’s a rush job, etc…. I make barely enough to cover my bills most months, but through decreased spending, I can still live check to check. I am ridiculously busy parenting (with no breaks), trying to stay organized, maintaining/improving my small house so my daughter has an un chaotic place to live, and being involved with my daughters activities while occasionally making stuff, but I have no social life (unfortunately that often goes along with single parenthood). I would like to make more money, but confess I am also enjoying the opportunity to be there for my daughter since I am her only family and her whole world. We are very close.

Donny continues to point out how rich he is, but keeps my pay at poverty level. He is also increasingly manipulative and controlling with his money, even believing he is entitled to having input in decisions I make about my and my daughters life, parenting, my house, friends, etc. He is by nature condescending and a master mansplainer. I ignore him and avoid confrontation because after 3 years of rarely seeing my daughter I still feel lucky to have this opportunity.

A month ago I ask Donny for more money for the first time because bills are mounting. I know I need to start a job search, but have been putting it off because —what the hell do I do now?

Donny tosses out a figure 33% higher than I’ve been getting monthly. He says he could even pay off my student loans “if he wanted to”. (They are not getting paid because I don’t make enough to pay them.) He tells me to send him the amount I owe and he will pay them off because he “doesn’t want the government to play any role in my life” which sounds generous, but is actually paranoid and a little conspiracy- theory ish. I send him the figure and he ignores me. All three times. I don’t rock the boat, but never even get a response. When that month’s check arrives its less than the amount he’d promised. I don’t say anything, feeling grateful to get anything at all, but irritated that he has changed the amount without mentioning it.

This months check was even less, back to the original too-low amount. I finally tell him (at 11:30 at night, probably sounding crabby) that it is hard for me to budget when I don’t know how much money I will be getting. At the first sign of what he perceives as questioning him or “conflict”, Donny flips out and says he could easily pay me more money but that he wants me to “work for it” by doing sales for him, which I’ve been clear from day 1 that I was 1) not good at and 2) not interested in doing or I would have pursued a sales career.

Then starts the classic rhetoric all single Moms hear: that I CHOSE to be a single parent and that I CHOSE to have a baby with that person, that my current situation is all my own doing. Followed by hinting that I am lazy and that I need to take “personal responsibility” for my predicament. He then drops a bomb by asking “how long am I going to do this?” I get mad and remind him that I was halfway through my degree which was PAID for and that I had wanted to finish, but that he was right, it was my fault that I had believed his promise to train me and give me work, which he not followed through on in 2 years. So now I have no money and no skills– nothing but some extra time to be a good parent to my daughter.

Then Donny says “I wanted you as a partner, but now Im not so sure,” which had failed to ever be mentioned to me. Apparently I had no say in that either. I got mad and told him not only do I not have time for any relationships, but that we have nothing in common, which we don’t- he voted for the One Who Is Not to be Named -not to mention a hearty “no thanks!” to all the boundary-crossing behaviors I put up with like never knocking but just walking into our house unannounced and at varying degrees of earliness to keep me guessing I guess. Locking the door makes him crabby. I have tolerated these behaviors because 25 years ago he emigrated from a culture where personal boundaries are not a priority, so I thought I was being understanding.

I have not heard from him in 6 days now when normally I get multiple texts per day. I assume he is pouting and will contact me with reasons why I am an ungrateful and overall crappy person. I actually feel enormous relief at not being scrutinized or controlled but am frightened for my financial situation.

What I want to know is: was it wrong of me to go along with this arrangement for so long? What if he contacts me and wants to continue this arrangement for more money? I intend to secure my own employment temping or something, but I am really regretful that I didn’t complete my education. Donny has been really generous, but at this point I feel so manipulated and disrespected that I don’t know if a can have any sort of friendship with him, whether he continues to pay me or not. He will see me as ungrateful and leaving because the money dried up.

I have been very appreciative and grateful and thank him constantly for his generosity, but it never seems to never be enough. He tells me I should just “be a good parent to my daughter,” which I am. I and my daughter make things for him and involve him with my daughters activities, but it’s still not enough. He is feeling under appreciated but doesn’t actually know what he wants. Donny has done a lot for us and I don’t think his behavior is conscious. I believe he is emotionally stunted for some reason. However, i cannot handle any more controlling and condescending bullshit. I am also aware that I am equally to blame for my situation. My motive was wanting to be able to be a good Mom for my daughter, no matter how short-lived. Finally, Donny was the only male figure in our lives my daughter could depend on, but I also don’t want to set a poor example by being manipulated and controlled by Donny.

Scripts for what to say to conflict- averse Donny if and when I hear from him would be greatly appreciated!

-Master Builder of Gilded Cages

she/her pronouns please, he/him for Donny

Dear Master Builder,

I apologize for the delayed response. I’ve been thinking about your story for a while. I’m not sure where you and Donny have left things in the last month or so – I’m hoping like hell that he is already out of your life – but in case he isn’t, here we are.

Before we talk about how much Donny sucks (he sucks), let’s talk about what a good employer would do:

  • He would pay you what you are worth to do the work that helped his business become successful.
  • As his business made more money (thanks in part to your work), he would increase your compensation.
  • He would pay you the agreed-upon amount without fail and without backtracking.
  • He would put agreements about compensation in writing.
  • He would be transparent about assigning work.
  • He would follow through on promises to train you and develop your skills.
  • He would not bring your personal life into any of these negotiations.
  • He would not expect 24-7 unannounced access to your home.
  • He wouldn’t treat you like he owns you.

Never mind being a good friend (he isn’t), or a good partner (NOPE), or a good male role model for your daughter (100 YEARS OF SOLITUDE AND NOPE), he’s not a good boss! Like, if this were JUST a job and not a campaign of financial abuse designed to annex you like a neighboring duchy, it would still be a toxic situation and you’d still need to quit it hard as soon as humanly possible.

Here is some other stuff I want to tell you:

Temping is a great idea – do it! It will put you in the way of permanent positions and also give you a chance to try out different working environments to find one that suits you.

Also, it’s okay to keep your head down, fake compliance, and collect your retainer paycheck from Donny for a little while if that’s what you need to do in the short term to keep a roof over your head while you gather your resources. You don’t have to tell him you are temping or looking for other work or give him any information about your plans that he might use to sabotage your efforts.

Donny will try to convince you that he took you into his company out of generosity and a desire to help you, and that you would not have a job if it weren’t for his amazing charity/fake training. I think he took you on because you are competent and valuable and he needed your work to build his company.

If you can, make a copy of everything you’ve ever created for Donny. That’s your portfolio. Back it up somewhere he doesn’t have access to (Google Drive, Dropbox). You may not ever show it to anybody (if there are confidentiality issues, for instance), but it will be good fodder for rebuilding your resume and documenting for yourself what you did.

Use privacy settings to lock your social media and other electronic communications away from where he can see them. Don’t “unfriend” until you’re free of his employ. Let him think things are normal so that he will be less likely to sabotage your efforts.

Speaking of locking things down, lock your doors. I don’t care what culture he comes from or how old he is, his comfort level with “just dropping by” does not automatically determine your boundaries.This is just more controlling scary bullshit.

Once you’ve locked things down, this is a very good time to reach out privately to every friend you have. Put the word out: You’re looking for a new job, you might need some help with childcare (or recommendations for low-cost summer camps?), you might need someone to help you rewrite your resume and provide moral support for your job search, you might want a friend who will come over and eat ice cream with you and your daughter or play in the park on a sunny day. Donny wants you to think that all of your resources and social connections are through him. They aren’t. Ask. You’ll pay it back (or forward) when you’re free.

It’s also a good time to reach out to every friendly and helpful person you’ve ever come across in any professional or educational context. People in your former field where you were successful might need a consultant or contractor. Your old advisor or program director and fellow students from school might be a Not-Donny professional reference for you.You might think that you’ve burned those bridges and that it’s too late (and Donny would try to tell you that it is), but I do not think it is too late. “I know we haven’t talked in a while, and I’m sorry we lost touch, but I am changing jobs and could really use your advice/help/a reference/some guidance.” I would not be angry at all if a former student asked me for this, even if they did leave the program, but I would be really sad if they felt like they couldn’t ask me because of shame.

Think of a short professionally positive version of the Donny story that you can tell to professional contacts and to acquaintances: “I left the program a few years ago to work for a friend’s startup, where I gained experience in x, y, and z professional areas. Now that the business is on solid footing, it’s time for me to find something [with more structure][where I can grow a, b, and c skills][where I can specialize more in (an area that interests me)][with more opportunity to work in creative teams vs. supporting a single CEO].” People leave school and change jobs all the time, you don’t have to bare your soul and your regrets to be one of those people.

You asked for scripts for Donny. The above generic/neutral/professional response can serve you there, as well. When it’s time for him to know that you’re severing the employment relationship for sure, try: “Thanks for all you’ve done, it’s time for me to seek new challenges, I trust that I can count on you to be a good reference, thanks!” (Note: DON’T use him as a reference, ever, but also don’t tell him that you won’t be. Let him think he has power until it’s 100% true that he doesn’t). Don’t tell him where you plan to go or what you plan to do. It’s okay to lie when an abusive person is pressuring you for information that isn’t their business. “I don’t know yet.” “I’ve applied at a few places, I’ll let you know when I know something.” “I’m confident I will find something I enjoy.” Keep everything about your discussions focused on professional topics. If he tries to throw more fake carrots of a big payday or paying your loans, ask him to put it in writing and to define it as compensation. “Wow, Donny, that’s very generous. Let’s add it to my employment agreement.”  If he gets personal, try “I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.” If he gets weird about the locking doors thing, try: “I’m just not comfortable leaving my doors unlocked.” The “Because YOU keep dropping by unannounced” can be silent for now.

If you want to finish your graphic design program at some point, you will find a way. You’ll get a job at a university or at a company that offers tuition reimbursement. You’ll reapply to the program that funded you in the first place. You will find a way.

Finally, your daughter does not need Donny in her life – not as a “male role model”, not as anything. She’s little and she might not understand at first where “Uncle Donny” went once you cut ties, but I think it is a good idea to break off any and all contact between them as soon as you feel safe to do so.

You are brave and you are a great mom and you are gonna be free of this controlling dipshit very soon if you haven’t gotten there already. Please be good to yourself. You were the target of a very deliberate campaign of manipulation. That’s scary stuff and it will take some time to undo the financial and emotional damage.

P.S. I get a ton of spam along the lines of “Let me tell you the story about how I lost my man and how this spiritual healer gave me a spell to get my man back.” We don’t need those spells, Beloved. GIVE US THE ONES THAT MAKE THE MAN GO AWAY AND STAY THE FUCK AWAY.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


marthawells: (Reading)
[personal profile] marthawells
(If you've been following my book rec and new book listing posts for a while, you may have noticed this already, but while most book lists emphasize books by popular straight white men, this one emphasizes everybody else. I include books by straight white men, but in about the same percentage that other book lists include everybody else. I also try to highlight books that are less well known.)

(I only link to one retail outlet in the book's listing, but most books are available at multiple outlets, like Kobo, iBooks, international Amazons, Barnes & Noble, etc. The short stories are usually on free online magazines.)


* Imaginary Cities by Darran Anderson
For as long as humans have gathered in cities, those cities have had their shining—or shadowy—counterparts. Imaginary cities, potential cities, future cities, perfect cities. It is as if the city itself, its inescapable gritty reality and elbow-to-elbow nature, demands we call into being some alternative, yearned-for better place.


* Tender by Sofia Samatar
The first collection of short fiction from a rising star whose stories have been anthologized in the first two volumes of the Best American Science Fiction and Fantasy series and nominated for many awards. Some of Samatar’s weird and tender fabulations spring from her life and her literary studies; some spring from the world, some from the void.


* Journey Across the Hidden Islands by Sarah Beth Durst
The traditional Emperor’s Journey is meant to be uneventful. But as the princesses Seika and Ji-Lin—twin sisters—travel to pay respects to their kingdom’s dragon guardian, unexpected monsters appear and tremors shake the earth. The Hidden Islands face unprecedented threats, and the old rituals are failing. With only their strength, ingenuity, and flying lion to rely on, can the sisters find a new way to keep their people safe?


* A Fistful of Honey by Malena Crawford
This stunning novel begins when a pending divorce and job loss force Alena Ford out of her elite life in Manhattan’s Upper East Side, and into a gritty section of Brooklyn. Stripped of everything, she is forced to face the demons of her past and the ghosts in her heart. When Alena befriends her eccentric neighbor Gloria, the woman’s stunning amethyst necklace and Black Madonna painting draw her into a world of ancient secrets, dark forces, and powerful magic.


* WarDance by Elizabeth Vaughan
Now a warrior-priestess, Snowfall, stands before Simus, who dares to speak of peace, of reconciliation. Her knives are sharp, her tattoos alluring, and her cool grey eyes can look through Simus and see...everything.


* The Dragon's Legacy by Deborah A. Wolf
In the heart of the singing desert, the people are fading from the world. Mothers bear few live children, the warriors and wardens are hard-pressed to protect those who remain, and the vash’ai—the great cats who have called the people kithren for as long as there have been stories—bond with fewer humans each year.


* Mother of the Sea by Zetta Elliott
When her village is raided, a teenage girl finds herself on a brutal journey to the coast of Africa and across the Atlantic. Her only comfort is a small child who clings to her for protection. But once they board the slave ship, the child reveals her rebellious nature and warns that her mother--a fierce warrior--is coming to claim them all.


* Short Story: When Stars Are Scattered by Spencer Ellsworth
Ahmed is a doctor working in a far flung outpost of humanity. His way was paid for by the leaders of his faith and his atheism is a guarded secret. His encounters with the "kite people" will cause him to doubt his whole worldview however when the aliens start dying and escalating tensions between religious extremists threatens to destroy the colony's peace.


* Anathema Magazine Issue 1
Anathema: Spec from the Margins is a tri-annual speculative fiction magazine of work by queer POC.
[syndicated profile] captainawkward_feed

Posted by JenniferP

hi captain,

i want to thank you so much for your website and lovely community and i hope this message finds you well. i’m having a hard time sorting through some relationship stuff and i’m hoping for some clarity.

i’m dating a very sweet and loving man who is still dealing every day with mental health issues due to early childhood trauma. these include ptsd, anxiety, depression (he is now in therapy for this) and nightmares. in his youth, he worked through his feelings of shame about what transpired in violent ways but that seems to be a thing of the past.

our courtship was fairly quick and we fell deeply in love, spending lots of our time together. in retrospect i should have been firmer about my need for a life and friendships outside of our relationship (especially at my age mid 20’s) but it all happened so fast. to be clear he does have friends/interests of his own but he is of the belief that our relationship is THE MOST important one in his life. he would be happy to rarely if ever spend time with anyone without/or other than me. in his words “i am the only thing that makes him happy” and “he welcomed dying before me but now wants to live as long as possible”. he constantly tells me i’m too good for him and is very insecure in our relationship. my friendships are deep and important to me and my feeling is that a romantic relationship should be something that adds to but is not the source of one’s happiness.

i was single for a long time before we met and had a very full life & was close with my family. they are thankfully still present but i spend much less time with them than i’d like because he doesn’t like last minute changes to our plans (even if those plans were netflix and pizza). i told him recently this needs to change and he agreed to work on it. because i’m the only thing that prevents him from having nightmares the idea of my being away causes him immense anxiety. sometimes i worry that he uses his trauma to manipulate me (his episodes early on often coincided with times i’d made plans with friends). we are also an interracial couple so that adds to a dynamic where anytime i express upset about his behavior or try to set a gentle boundary i am talked over, mansplained and/or the conversation is derailed due to the level of distress he’s displayed.

some of this is my fault as i’m not always good about expressing my feelings honestly and i want to hold space and be there for him. i tried to change parts of myself to make him more comfortable as he is an admittedly jealous person. i’m now doing my own work to come back to the vibrant, carefree woman i was when we met but it’s really difficult sometimes. i don’t know what to do or if the above is enough reason to leave or if i should keep showing up for myself, set clearer boundaries and love him through this.

any advice would be so appreciated,

sincerely,

trying not to be a pacifier

Dear Trying:

Thanks for the kind words!

I read your letter and I keep thinking of the person who “isn’t allowed” to be away from their job for a single day from a few months ago. They can’t even think about what they want to do next because they are always “on call.” In the short term, can you get yourself a week or even a long weekend or a few nights away from him, just to be with friends and family or hang out by yourself with your own thoughts, without being tethered to your phone to constantly soothe and “check in”?

Whatever good things this guy brings to your life (and I’m sure there must be good things here), when you’re with him:

  • You don’t see your friends and family as much as you’d like to.
  • You don’t feel like the vibrant, social person with many interests and connections that you were when you met him.
  • When you bring him your concerns, he talks over you and centers his needs above your own. Your requests for more space and autonomy are always canceled out by how much he has suffered or is suffering.
  • You feel manipulated and controlled by him.

Maybe someday this guy could be a great boyfriend, for you, or for someone. And that’s the temptation and the tragedy of the situation: You can see how very, very, very good it could be. You waited and looked for so long to find someone who would be right for you. You can have compassion for him and hold space for his feelings and believe in him and do what you can to try to get him there.

But, it’s a trap. He’s not doing the same for you. It’s good that he’s going to therapy, but he’s got to get to the realization that the things that he has suffered do not obligate you to abdicate your own needs, and then he’s got to act on that realization. He’s got to listen to you and not talk over you when you express those needs. He’s got to give you the space and breathing room that you need to live the life you want to live. He’s got to figure out how to self-soothe and get through a night without your company (the way he somehow managed to do for all the years before he met you) and without making any nightmares or anxious feelings your fault, or yours to fix somehow.

Because you need to see your friends and family and keep those relationships close and fulfilling.This is a reasonable thing to want and expect from your life.

You need social connections and relationships that are not about him. This is also a completely reasonable thing to want and expect.

You need to sometimes be able to change plans you have together. Totes reasonable!

You need to spend as many nights as you want to by yourself, without worrying about him or being a captive to his jealousy or anxieties. 100% reasonable.

You need your needs to be equal within your romantic relationship. More specifically, you need a partner who puts as much thought and emotional labor and effort into making sure you get what you need as you do into his needs. Completely reasonable.

You need a partner who doesn’t talk over you or mansplain your needs away when they are in conflict with his needs. Absolutely reasonable.

I don’t think you have that guy here, or that he’s going to become that guy for you anytime soon, and I’m so very sorry. He keeps making your reasonable needs into unreasonable things that he wants you to change about yourself to keep him happy. He puts a lot of friction up when you try to spend time away from him or talk to him about it. Even if that friction is borne out of genuine distress on his part, it’s not okay for him to put these constraints on your comings and goings and to make you do all the work of being his reason to live.

You could try some baby steps, like, planning more time with your friends and family, spending more nights separately, and shutting down the mansplaining as soon as it starts – “I’m sorry you are feeling upset, but I need this time with my friends/family/alone. I’m not doing this to hurt you, but it’s also not a negotiation, so, I’m going to hang up/leave now.” And then, importantly, physically remove yourself from the conversation to enforce the boundary, or, even better, tell him the information when you’re already separate from him, in a text: “Forgot to tell you yesterday, I can’t hang tonight – gonna go see a movie with my folks. I’ll call you tomorrow, love you!

Can you do that safely? Is your first instinct to say, “Oh wait, I can’t do that, he’ll just text me 100 times and I won’t be able to focus on anything.” Or, “Oh wait, I can’t do that, he’ll be so hurt/sad, I’ll have to cut the evening short and go take care of him.” Does the whole prospect of a night alone seem “not worth it” because his reaction will be too much to deal with it’s “easier” to just give in and do what he wants? Those “Oh, I can’t, it’s not worth the trouble” reactions in yourself are giant red flags to watch for, because it means he’s trained you to anticipate his displeasure and “correct” your behavior in advance to avoid outbursts.

If (when?) you do decide to leave him permanently, I think it is worth talking to a trained domestic violence counselor about a safety plan beforehand. You said he is sweet and kind and that is great, just, humor me here and talk to someone who will believe you immediately, who will hold the conversation in confidence, and who will help you figure out the safest and clearest way to break the news and take care of yourself.

I’m so sorry. I know you love him. I wish I had a better forecast for this being a relationship that would make you feel free, happy, trusted, and supported someday.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Coyote Cinema: Babylon 5 S5

Apr. 18th, 2017 02:31 pm
cyrano: (Coyote Cinema)
[personal profile] cyrano
Last night, at the end of the B5 Death March, we watched Sleeping in Light. It was a long trudge. I found a lot of the first half of the season frustrating in its plot stupids and character frustrations. (Case in point: Garibaldi's descent into alcoholism was at least not stupid, but it was mawkish and patronizing and very After School Special.) I keep trying to pretend that Sheridan and Delenn have any chemistry, and I keep failing. And I have never seen a more prodigious Return of the King phenomenon than the last three or four episodes of tender loving farewells for each individual character on the show. At least SiL was watchable and vaguely interesting, and it was nice to see Ivanova again. And dang the aging f/x were good. Not even the Neil Gaiman episode was worth the time I spent watching it. Meh. Anyway, If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't.

EDIT: Oh, I forgot to mention a point of glee. Londo's birthday gift to the lovely couple's unborn child. That was a nice bit of plotting, even if we never get a pay off.

art show online

Apr. 18th, 2017 08:55 am
[syndicated profile] lois_mcmaster_bujold_feed
This is interesting. Most of us do not get to art galleries in our usual routine lives, either because of lack of propinquity or the routine of our lives. These modern students take it online. It loses the 3D in trade, but gains a lot in accessibility.

www.mfaexhibitiononline.org

Interesting to reflect how this sort of thing might go, and grow, in the future when and if the net grows 3D capacity.

Ta, L.

(Why, yes, I do have a personal interest. You can probably figure it out if you scroll through the entries.)

posted by Lois McMaster Bujold on April, 18

Books: Coates, Nelson, Jeong, Estrada

Apr. 18th, 2017 08:51 am
roadrunnertwice: Rebecca on treadmill. (Text: "She's a ROCKET SCIENTIST from the SOUTH POLE with FIFTY EXES?") (BitterGirl.Rebecca - Rocket scientist)
[personal profile] roadrunnertwice

Well, it's been a minute and I have a few in the queue, so:

Ta-Nehisi Coates — Between the World and Me

Jan 19

I’ve read a lot of Coates's magazine length work, so I thought this was a superb continuation/culmination of several multi-year projects I was already invested in, as well as a good introduction for people new to his intellectual zone.

It’s also an excellent brain corrective in the present atmosphere, or at least it was for me. Some people find Coates pessimistic, but I find him reassuring and grounding: his writing helps me feel like I haven't gone completely fucking crazy, and gives some serious historical perspective to events that can otherwise seem like an ambush. I kind of can't imagine trying to make sense of the past two or three years without TNC’s writing.

I haven't heard much from him lately. I hope he's doing ok and working on something fulfilling. One of the things I liked best about following his work before this book blew up was watching him slowly assemble some complex argument in public, and it sounds like that era might be over.

Maggie Nelson — The Argonauts

Jan 20

A delight. A wandering, looping, discursive memoir/essay about queerness and motherhood and time and basically everything.

This has some kind of family resemblance to Alison Bechdel’s Are You My Mother, but not a simple one. They share a certain theory-heaviness, a certain obsessive practice of quotation, and a certain conception of both those elements being somehow integral to assembling a resilient queer selfhood that can persist across Weird Time.

I cannot for the life of me explain what the hell was the point of this book. It was incredibly important, but I can't summarize how so. Anyway, you should totally read it!

Sarah Jeong — The Internet of Garbage

Feb 2

Huh, wow. I was kind of bracing for this to be some remedial Twitter Harassment 098 material, but it's definitely not that.

Jeong is reaching toward a grand unified theory of Unwanted Content, of which harassment is only one aspect. I don't think she's there yet. But she's the only person I've seen even start that project, so shout-out for that. Also, there was a lot of interesting history and case law in here that I wasn't aware of.

Ryan Estrada — The Kind (comics)

Apr 11

That male lead really should have got eaten. I feel bad for the werewolf, and that would have probably made her life and mental health a lot worse in a lot of ways, but that relationship is doomed anyhow and the protagonist is a self-mythologizing crap-bro who refuses to listen to her expertise or respect her boundaries. He earned his doom, or at least a real solid and decisive dumping.

Some Things

Apr. 18th, 2017 07:46 am
marthawells: (Teyla)
[personal profile] marthawells
Books Coming Out


* The trade paperback of The Edge of Worlds comes out on April 25, 2017.

* The ebook and paperback of the 150 page novella The Murderbot Diaries: All Systems Red comes out May 2, 2017.

* The hardcover, trade paperback, and ebook of The Harbors of the Sun comes out on July 4, 2017

Yes, that does seem like a lot in a short time.


Events

* If you're local to Bryan/College Station, I'll be at the Bryan Public Library's Meet the Author Day: http://www.bcslibrary.org/meet-the-author-day-martha-wells/ Saturday, April 29, 2017, 10 AM to 12 PM with a bunch of other local authors.


* If you want a signed, personalized paperback copy of my new 150 page SF novella, The Murderbot Diaries: All Systems Red, you can order one through Murder by the Book here: http://www.murderbooks.com/event/martha-wells-preorder But you have to order before May 5, 2017.


* I'll be at Comicpalooza in Houston on May 12-14. And the literary program director Vijay Kale has a discount code for $5.00 off three-day, VIP, or speed passes for the con that he wants people to use and pass along. The code is vkale3


* I'll be doing a signing with Rachel Caine at Murder by the Book in Houston, TX, on Saturday, July 15, 2017 at 4:30. If you can't be there, you can order our books, get them signed and personalized, and the store will ship them to you: http://www.murderbooks.com/event/martha-wells The hardcover and trade paperback of The Harbors of the Sun will be available.



Other Stuff


A couple of weeks ago I tried a new medication on one of my cats, Tasha, and after working great for a few days, she stopped eating. It took about a week to get her back to a normal diet, so that was several days of not-fun, though now she's fine. I finished a third Murderbot novella, though as yet it's unsold. I'm going to finish polishing it today and hopefully get it sent to my agent. (There is a second Murderbot novella already scheduled to come out from Tor.com next year.) I've been having hand pain off and on, though not as bad as it was at the start of the year when my fingers got stuck and I had to have shots in both hands. I think this latest bout was caused by too much weeding the yard. I think I just need to be careful while I'm still recovering.

Make Subjects into Links?

Apr. 18th, 2017 04:46 am
lady_noremon: (Alex)
[personal profile] lady_noremon posting in [community profile] style_system
I recently added the Tabular Indent layout to my DreamWidth using the [community profile] starlit tutorial, and the Tabular Indent source code from InsaneJournal. Then changing all the ""friends"" to ""read"". Everything is working really well, except the Subjects are not links for some reason? I saw on previous posts that cited Flexible Squares having this issue to use the [community profile] starlit version of the code. But as Tabular Indent isn't one of their edited codes, I'm not sure where I would change? Thank-you very much if you can help!

Minicon Pics

Apr. 17th, 2017 08:04 pm
jimhines: (Snoopy Writing)
[personal profile] jimhines

I’m back from Minicon 52 in Minneapolis. It was a fun con, and I’m hoping to write up some thoughts and reactions and talk about various cool stuff, but for now I’m still wiped and low on coherent wordage.

So instead, here’s a link to my Flickr album of Minicon pictures.

A few of my favorites…

Science Guest of Honor Brother Guy Consolmagno

Science Guest of Honor Brother Guy Consolmagno

David Perry prepares to interview me...TO THE DEATH!

David Perry prepares to interview me…TO THE DEATH!

Me and my liaison, Anton Petersen

Receiving tribute from my guest liaison Anton Petersen

Mirrored from Jim C. Hines.

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